Monday, April 18, 2011

Dread Locks: May 2011

I don't have to go looking in order to eventually find bad movies, because one way or another, they find their way to me. Your Highness turned out to be far less than I had hoped it would be, not even providing minimal goods. I fear that Water for Elephants may be on the same route in terms of this weekend. I can hope I'm wrong, but I probably won't be. May is a particularly unpredictable bunch, because there are films that I'll see anyways, even if I know there's a great chance of failure. The Hangover: Part II and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides are two such features. With the way things are going, I may not even end up seeing the former. Too familiar and predictable for its own good.

Then we get down to the real crap, which there's a pretty certifiable chance that each of the films I've selected will be. Two of these films, both opening along the same weekend as Thor, have to do with people getting together for a wedding. Isn't that the cardinal cliche amongst romantic comedies? Handling the white end of it is Something Borrowed, a "she's sleeping with the guy marrying her best friend" feature set amongst a quaintly painted cityscape. Said feature features likable everyman John Krasinski as... actually, I don't know what he's meant to be doing in this film. Is he a friend of the protagonist, or does he like the best friend character? I don't know, I don't care, but I'll have to wait to figure out if I'll end up watching it.

Handling the black end of the marriage type comedy is Jumping the Broom. It's a bridging of an uptown family and a downtown family for a wedding between two people. I'm just going to break down the black comedy cliches that you can expect to be exposed to during this film, assuming that you decide to waste your time with it. We'll probably see an overweight mama bear sort of figure get into a fight a "skinny ass ho" from the rival family, or else two of the aforementioned "skinny ass hos" fighting amongst each other. You can expect guys chasing after girls from the family they're about to unify into their own. You can see white people trying to be black, trying not to break the mold of blackness. Ultimately, nothing I'd like to have to subject myself to. I already have to deal with a black comedy this month. I'm not going through that twice in a row.

And then there's Priest, the unholy vampire blockbuster spawn of the directors of last year's atrocity, Legion. I don't know how actors like Paul Bettany and Christopher Plummer get involved in crap like this, but the way things are going right now, I may have to end up seeing this film anyway. I don't need fake and predictable scares from obviously fake CG "vampires" fighting fake CG priests doing martial arts. I'm not the biggest fan of religion, but I can't even try admiring a film like this that twists religion to serve it's bone-headed needs. My view is that if the Bible is just a story, it's still a very good story. I've gotten to the point in which I don't want to see any of the films I've selected, so now it's up to you. Vote in the sidebar on which film you'd like me to see and review. The poll expires at the end of the month, at which point I will announce the winner via Twitter and start up the poll for next month.

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