There's Nothing Wrong With Me: Duncan's Worst Films of 2011

Who wants to wallow in negativity at a time when there's so much to celebrate. I've been so busy with the bustle of catching up with the year's end that I haven't had the time or attention to comment on the films I've seen. If I had, it's only been on twitter, and if you're not following me there then you're sorely missing out. But the truth is that I didn't want to write a "Worst Films of 2011" list because that brings me back to the idea of this as a generally disappointing year, which it was for the greater part of the first nine months, for me anyway. I don't expect you to agree with any of the conclusions I've made in this list, and I don't want you to. You are free to hate me for my opinions, and I'll welcome it, but here what I have to say about the films before you do so.

Summer was a dour exercise I'd rather forget. It's worth mentioning that simple films like "Captain America", "Thor", and even "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" yielded more interest from me than the likes of "Super 8". The more appropriate name for this list would be "Most Disappointing of 2011", as much of what makes some of these films bad is the potential placed on them. Let me say that these are of the films I've seen. I didn't see everything, especially towards the end of the year, when I was especially busy catching up on what I did want to see. Sorry to "Horrible Bosses". You just missed the cut. So without further delay...

Box Office Update: Felled by a Wimpy Punch

It's kind of hard to believe how pathetic the box office has been this year. There have been films that from afar seemed like definite irrational box office successes, such as Battle: Los Angeles and more recently Sucker Punch, and yet they have come in to less than spectacular numbers. It's kind of sad and depressing that a film made with all the things that guys love (girls, dragons, etc.) ended up drawing such a small opening. Zack Snyder's psychological action film Sucker Punch came in at #2 with a gross that doesn't even head past $20 million. Even more surprising than that low income is what it was surpassed by.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules performed exactly as expected to, drawing in enough excited children to surpass Snyder's under-performer. Kids being kids, you can expect them to return to the film across the following weeks. Talking of which, there were some pretty strong holdovers from last weekend, with Limitless and The Lincoln Lawyer both dropping less than 20%. Mars Needs Moms took the biggest dip of 59%, its target audience being snatched away by the top new release. Interesting enough, the top news of the weekend is probably Rango shooting past the $100 million mark, making it the first film of 2011 to do that. Adam Sandler's Just Go With It came just behind it, edging past the mark by a far more minuscule degree. Surprisingly, this weekend ended up being just 6.8% less than last year, when How to Train Your Dragon came in at the top spot. It did on the other hand come 22.9% lower than two years ago when Monsters vs. Aliens wowed audiences so.

1. Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (First Weekend; $24.4 million)
2. Sucker Punch (First Weekend; $19 million)
3. Limitless (Second Weekend; $15.2 million)
4. The Lincoln Lawyer (Second Weekend; $11 million)
5. Rango (Fourth Weekend; $9,8 million)
6. Battle: Los Angeles (Third Weekend; $7.6 million)
7. Paul (Second Weekend; $7.5 million)
8. Red Riding Hood (Third Weekend; $4.3 million)
9. The Adjustment Bureau (Fourth Weekend; $4.2 million)
10. Mars Needs Moms (Third Weekend; $2.2 million)

Box Office Update: Limited Potential

I think we can now break down how 2011 at the box office is shaping up in comparison to past years. This weekend wasn't exactly a great weekend, but it could've been a lot worse. It did decline from where it was last weekend, but there wasn't really anything major in release to urge people to head out to the theater. Limitless ended up as the #1 film this weekend, but didn't manage to break the $20 million mark. The average income per theater was impressive, but it still lacked something crucial. Rango held onto second place, boosting the animated western to about $92 million. The film should break the $100 million mark next weekend, making it the first film to do so this year.

Battle: Los Angeles took a considerable dive of 59%, landing right behind Rango after opening in the top spot last weekend. The Lincoln Lawyer and Paul both managed decent numbers, but nothing at all spectacular given the hype surrounding them. Surprisingly enough, the wide release that held on most honorably was Mars Needs Moms. I guess 3D still has enough appeal to keep children in the theaters. Overall, this weekend was down 9.9% from last year when Alice in Wonderland held onto the top spot for the third week in a row, but up 7.1% from 2009 when Knowing opened at #1.

1. Limitless (First Weekend; $19 million)
2. Rango (Third Weekend; $15.3 million)
3. Battle: Los Angeles (Second Weekend; $14.6 million)
4. The Lincoln Lawyer (First Weekend; $13.4 million)
5. Paul (First Weekend; $13.2 million)
6. Red Riding Hood (Second Weekend; $7.3 million)
7. The Adjustment Bureau (Third Weekend; $5.9 million)
8. Mars Needs Moms (Second Weekend; $5.3 million)
9. Beastly (Third Weekend; $3.3 million)
10. Hall Pass (Fourth Weekend; $2.6 million)

Film Review: Red Riding Hood

You can never quite prepare for how stupid a film is going to be, because quite often in trailers they only choose to show slight flashes of stupidity. Red Riding Hood didn't hold back. You could tell from the trailers that this was going to be a total waste of your time, but not quite in the way you expected. This film is as much a remake of Twilight to include the story of "Little Red Riding Hood" as the 1907 short The Teddy Bears is an adaptation of Teddy Roosevelt's famed bear killing to fit in the story of "Goldie Locks and the Three Bears". There are obvious similarities that make it distracting, but both features are generally deplorable for their own reasons.

Red Riding Hood takes place in a quaint little village that you learn about half an hour in is called Daggerhorn. Clever exposition clearly isn't this film's strong suit, because they barely introduce the threat of the wolf before it kills the main protagonist's sister, who we also didn't learn about beforehand. What do we learn in the beginning? Valeria, played by Amanda Seyfried, is romantically involved with a lumberjack named Peter, who is more rugged and handsome than he has any right to be. Unfortunately, she's been arranged to marry Henry Lazar, who we also do not meet beforehand, and when the whole conspiracy of who in the village is the wolf comes into play, she won't trust anyone.

Even though she's in the presence of both Peter and Henry during different wolf attacks, she still suspects them for some stupid inane reason. Speaking of stupidity, after the townspeople kill a regular wolf, mistaking it for the actual werewolf, Father Solomon, played with maniacal vigor by Gary Oldman, comes around to explain exactly what a werewolf is. The man is a priest who is willing to murder his wife, who was a werewolf, in order to defeat evil. The man kills innocent civilians on holy ground, not to mention a fellow priest, and tortures a mentally deficient kid for what he perceives as "Black Magic". The kid pulled a card from behind a man's ear. Is this film really that stupid?

Oh, and you have no idea who exactly the wolf is in this film. It's kind of hinted at briefly, but they mostly just lead obvious hints to different characters. They keep showing off stupid camera tricks with the annoyingly cheery grandmother. Here's one thing that I can't get out of my head, though. Valerie is betrothed to Henry, whose father once had sex with her mother, and the offspring was Valerie's older sister Lucy. Lucy had a crush on Henry (ew), and even though the adults knew all of this, they still arranged for Valerie to be married to Henry? Gross! Stupid! What the hell is wrong with this village? They're all idiots!

If this film were Twilight then Valerie would be Bella, Peter would be Edward, Henry would be Jacob, and Billy Burke would be the main character's father, which he is. Henry even gives Valerie a little charm to carry with her. You could write a thesis paper on how similar these two stupid films are. The acting in this film is ridiculous, with Gary Oldman being perhaps the only exception. You hate his character, but not his performance. The look of the film is so quaint and fairy tale pretty that it makes you want to puke. They don't know how to direct the audience's attention. Besides that, Catherine Hardwicke just doesn't know how to direct. Red Riding Hood is a festival of stupidity, and in a few months, teens are going to be sending each other YouTube clips about how stupid this film is.

F

Dread Locks: April 2011

As always, it's proving a tad bit more difficult to see these awful films than I anticipated. Apparently it's hard to find a time when I actually want to see Red Riding Hood, but it's something that still has to be done. The drive to see this film is much like the drive for me to see each film in The Twilight Saga. I never enjoy the experience, but it's an experience nonetheless. That and the fact that I love writing reviews for films that I hate. In any case, we're approaching April just as rapidly as always, and that of course brings up a whole crop of films for me to potentially review. It's a bit duller than usual, but I think that's a good thing. Now people know just how dull these films are before they see them.

I had a lot of films that I could have put in this poll, such as Hop, Insidious, Mother's Day, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, Hoodwinked Too, and Prom. I was close to putting Water for Elephants up here, but then we got a slew of trailers that embellished the more favorable aspects of the film. So the assortment I have for you starts out with Soul Surfer, the true story of Bethany Hamilton, otherwise known as the girl who got her arm bitten off by a shark. I know that it sounds like it could be a truly inspirational story, but Anna Sophia-Robb has not grown into a sexy charismatic teen, and I can't believe in the acting capabilities of Dennis Quaid or Carrie Underwood. This looks hilariously idiotic.

Through directing nine features, Tyler Perry has tried to break out of the name he's been given in the comedy industry, but ultimately failed. I can't believe that we could expect anything but a failure this time around, but people are still going to see his films. He has an eager crowd that likes his brand of filmmaking, but I'm just not part of that crowd. His next film is Madea's Big Happy Family, and it looks like he's headed back into comedic territory again, sadly. Coming just a week later is Fast Five, which I have on here for obvious reasons. Oddly enough, I'm kind of hoping this one wins out. The last film grossed nearly $70 million opening weekend. This year could really use that sort of a face lift. Those are your choices, you can follow the links provided to see trailers, and you can place your vote in the sidebar.

Box Office Update: Calculated Retreat

This weekend wasn't really a victory, but certainly not a defeat. We're on a course towards revival at the box office, and it wasn't going to come right away. We're still going through the dullest of material to get to the real gold, if it even exists. I personally am pretty excited about the films coming out this Friday, which may not exactly be great, but are still probably good. As for this weekend, there was no bright side to be seen in terms of movies, and you could tell by the nonsensical defenses people gave for Battle: Los Angeles. I have no problem saying that I had a ridiculously fun time with the film, but it didn't really have anything to do with the film. The film was abysmal, but in a way that you could so enjoyably poke fun at.

So it comes as little surprise to me that a film I compare to the works of Michael Bay came on top of the weekend. It wasn't terribly high, and doesn't exceed what Rango turned in last week, but it was above the norm. It's just unusual that films aren't opening above $50 million so far this year. I would've pegged this weekend to do much better than it did, but it turns out the quality kind of mattered to audiences. Red Riding Hood came in third with an opening figure that doesn't even fill up a third of what any of the Twilight films have made opening weekend. Mars Needs Moms, a 3D animated kids flick, came in fifth with a truly sad figure below $10 million.

Rango fell to #2, and I suspect that the lack of 3D caused that dip to be a little lower. It held on more than you would've expected it to, but it was still a bit disappointing. The Adjustment Bureau fell 45.8% to fourth place, and I think audiences have gotten about as much mileage as they're going to get from it. The King's Speech spends what is likely to be its last weekend in the top ten, making it to nearly $130 million. In the limited circuit, Jane Eyre recieved $182,317 at four theaters, which makes for the highest per theater average of this weekend. I wish I was in a position to see it. This weekend was down only 13% from last year, when Alice in Wonderland held on to to #1 for its second weekend.

1. Battle: Los Angeles (First Weekend; $36 million)
2. Rango (Second Weekend; $23.1 million)
3. Red Riding Hood (First Weekend; $14.1 million)
4. The Adjustment Bureau (Second Weekend; $11.5 million)
5. Mars Needs Moms (First Weekend; $6.8 million)
6. Hall Pass (Third Weekend; $5.1 million)
7. Beastly (Second Weekend; $5.1 million)
8. Just Go With It (Fifth Weekend; $4 million)
9. The King's Speech (Sixteenth Weekend; $3.6 million)
10. Gnomeo and Juliet (Fifth Weekend; $3.5 million)

The Weekend Report: The Red Heat of Battle

If you're out eagerly looking for quality cinema entertainment, this weekend isn't for you. We're just not at that point yet where we can expect good films to come out, but I wouldn't say this is going to be a truly miserable weekend. The box office is in a position to thrive with plenty of opportunities to ensnare gullible moviegoers. I'm mostly talking about Battle: Los Angeles, which reads as a film that will eventually be shown constantly on FX. It has that same Michael Bay action sensibility, and Bay has been illogically huge in the box office in the past. I expect this film to do very well for itself.

Red Riding Hood, though it's received abysmal reviews, should also receive a certain following this weekend. It's obviously intended for the same fan base as Twilight, but I imagine that even they will come out of this film marginally disappointed. I don't suggest seeing it, but I'll end up seeing it sometime this weekend, so might as well suffer with me. The only thing I wouldn't suggest is seeing Mars Needs Moms, because that's a film that's looked unbearably stale from the beginning. It doesn't look entertaining in the slightest, and in fact looks like a difficult film to sit through. If you're looking for anything more than guilty entertainment, you'll be disappointed this weekend.

For Your Anticipation: Until The Blood Moon Wanes

Last night, I was totally prepared to hate this film, and I relished in successfully finding a truly bad film to review this month. Then I did some digging and figured out that the film was produced by Leonardo DiCaprio. I think it's also worth noting that Julie Christie and Gary Oldman have supporting roles in this film. With such respected talent behind this film, I'm starting to wonder whether or not preconceived notions about this film were unfounded. I want it to suck. I cannot begin to explain how much I hope that this film isn't good. I need to hate this film to heal my psyche from the disappointing Oscar season. Unfortunately, though I still roll my eyes at the obvious comparison between Red Riding Hood and Twilight, this film might be entertaining if it manages to adequately milk the aura of paranoia. Still, I'm pretty sure that the guy Amanda Seyfried likes is the wolf. It's pretty damn obvious.

Dread Locks: March 2011

I have truly given up at this point on seeing The Roommate, despite my predisposition to see it. I will eventually get around to it on DVD, at which point I will gladly inform you of all its "prowess", but I'd like to be in a position to have money before heading into a position of spending money on such lesser trifles. Hopefully I'll be in that sort of position next month, and it's a pretty good thing too based on the films up for contention in this month's "Dread Locks" poll. I had plenty of likely horrid works to choose from such as Take Me Home Tonight, Mars Needs Moms, and The Lincoln Lawyer. That's not even to mention the films that look good but could turn out to be less than favorable. A film named Elektra Luxx sounds like it's begging to be on a list like this, but actually looks somewhat decent. Am I supposed to condemn a film starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

The films in contention for this month's poll are mostly mainstream efforts, which is something corporate Hollywood has no problem supplying us with. First up is Rango, the animated western about a pet chameleon who finds himself becoming the sheriff of a miniaturized western neighborhood. The film comes from Pirates of the Caribbean director Gore Verbinski, who hasn't really been known for outstanding quality. I don't expect many truly inspired laughs or any heartfelt musings of Pixar proportions. Kids will eat just about anything up, and Nickelodeon hasn't had the greatest track record with kids films in the recent past.

The other two are of live action origins, and the one currently getting the most votes is Red Riding Hood. The much maligned hybridization of The Twilight Saga and the tale of "Little Red Riding Hood" is bound to pull in delirious female audiences, and I can never resist the chance to poke fun at this sort of cinematic manure. The third film on the slate is Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Rodrick Rules, and if this turns out to be the film I end up seeing, I'll be entering into it without any previous knowledge of the series. I'm obviously going to be instantly lost in the complex mythology. Those are your choices, so be sure to vote before the month is out, and for trailers for the films click on the links provided.

Theatrical Trailer: Red Riding Hood

I fondly apologize to the first film in the Twilight franchise for saying that Red Riding Hood looked like Twilight with werewolves. Upon this second trailer, it looks far worse than that, and I apologize for the crude comparison. That being said, I still think both films should go to hell and stay there, because they have no place assaulting us here. I wasn't sure of exactly how awful this film would be, but the new trailer confirms it. Gary Oldman is fantastic, but he also picks some of the absolute worst films out there to act in. If anybody without serious mental health problems sees this film, it will be for him and nothing else. Not that I'm encouraging it, because I'm not.

Teaser Trailer: Red Riding Hood

It's like Twilight, but with werewolves. I'm not talking about the laughably mediocre spin-off of Twilight known as New Moon. I'm talking about Catherine Hardwicke's upcoming fantasy-romance starring Amanda Seyfreid, Red Riding Hood. Just take a look at the teaser, and you'll get the exact same vibe I got from Twilight. The only optimistic addition that this one has is Gary Oldman, who manages to work wonders in the most horrendous of films. Just take a look at the teaser and let me know what you think.