For Your Anticipation: He was Sleeping

This forthcoming weekend is a complete wash, containing a myriad of films I have no intention of watching now or ever. "Gone" just happens to hold the most animosity from me due to how many times that horrifically bad trailer played in front of me at a theater. It barely has a plot attached to it, as exposed by the abrupt title. Tack onto that the fact that Amanda Seyfreid can't actually act, and you have your film.

"In Time" Comic-Con Trailer

I often have a bit of trouble buying into science fiction films about Dystopian futures, such as Surrogates and its ilk, because they are too often about that sci-fi hook. They very rarely go into character, and as such are usually quite lacking. In Time, a film from Gattaca director Andrew Niccol, currently looks to be that sort of film, but it has the makings of something more, and the premise is very intriguing. The future depicted here is as massively alluring as it is dangerous, and that's kind of an exciting possibility. Provided the film doesn't get stuck in a narrative rut with a stereotypical happy ending, I might really like this film.

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Film Review: Red Riding Hood

You can never quite prepare for how stupid a film is going to be, because quite often in trailers they only choose to show slight flashes of stupidity. Red Riding Hood didn't hold back. You could tell from the trailers that this was going to be a total waste of your time, but not quite in the way you expected. This film is as much a remake of Twilight to include the story of "Little Red Riding Hood" as the 1907 short The Teddy Bears is an adaptation of Teddy Roosevelt's famed bear killing to fit in the story of "Goldie Locks and the Three Bears". There are obvious similarities that make it distracting, but both features are generally deplorable for their own reasons.

Red Riding Hood takes place in a quaint little village that you learn about half an hour in is called Daggerhorn. Clever exposition clearly isn't this film's strong suit, because they barely introduce the threat of the wolf before it kills the main protagonist's sister, who we also didn't learn about beforehand. What do we learn in the beginning? Valeria, played by Amanda Seyfried, is romantically involved with a lumberjack named Peter, who is more rugged and handsome than he has any right to be. Unfortunately, she's been arranged to marry Henry Lazar, who we also do not meet beforehand, and when the whole conspiracy of who in the village is the wolf comes into play, she won't trust anyone.

Even though she's in the presence of both Peter and Henry during different wolf attacks, she still suspects them for some stupid inane reason. Speaking of stupidity, after the townspeople kill a regular wolf, mistaking it for the actual werewolf, Father Solomon, played with maniacal vigor by Gary Oldman, comes around to explain exactly what a werewolf is. The man is a priest who is willing to murder his wife, who was a werewolf, in order to defeat evil. The man kills innocent civilians on holy ground, not to mention a fellow priest, and tortures a mentally deficient kid for what he perceives as "Black Magic". The kid pulled a card from behind a man's ear. Is this film really that stupid?

Oh, and you have no idea who exactly the wolf is in this film. It's kind of hinted at briefly, but they mostly just lead obvious hints to different characters. They keep showing off stupid camera tricks with the annoyingly cheery grandmother. Here's one thing that I can't get out of my head, though. Valerie is betrothed to Henry, whose father once had sex with her mother, and the offspring was Valerie's older sister Lucy. Lucy had a crush on Henry (ew), and even though the adults knew all of this, they still arranged for Valerie to be married to Henry? Gross! Stupid! What the hell is wrong with this village? They're all idiots!

If this film were Twilight then Valerie would be Bella, Peter would be Edward, Henry would be Jacob, and Billy Burke would be the main character's father, which he is. Henry even gives Valerie a little charm to carry with her. You could write a thesis paper on how similar these two stupid films are. The acting in this film is ridiculous, with Gary Oldman being perhaps the only exception. You hate his character, but not his performance. The look of the film is so quaint and fairy tale pretty that it makes you want to puke. They don't know how to direct the audience's attention. Besides that, Catherine Hardwicke just doesn't know how to direct. Red Riding Hood is a festival of stupidity, and in a few months, teens are going to be sending each other YouTube clips about how stupid this film is.

F

For Your Anticipation: Until The Blood Moon Wanes

Last night, I was totally prepared to hate this film, and I relished in successfully finding a truly bad film to review this month. Then I did some digging and figured out that the film was produced by Leonardo DiCaprio. I think it's also worth noting that Julie Christie and Gary Oldman have supporting roles in this film. With such respected talent behind this film, I'm starting to wonder whether or not preconceived notions about this film were unfounded. I want it to suck. I cannot begin to explain how much I hope that this film isn't good. I need to hate this film to heal my psyche from the disappointing Oscar season. Unfortunately, though I still roll my eyes at the obvious comparison between Red Riding Hood and Twilight, this film might be entertaining if it manages to adequately milk the aura of paranoia. Still, I'm pretty sure that the guy Amanda Seyfried likes is the wolf. It's pretty damn obvious.

Theatrical Trailer: Red Riding Hood

I fondly apologize to the first film in the Twilight franchise for saying that Red Riding Hood looked like Twilight with werewolves. Upon this second trailer, it looks far worse than that, and I apologize for the crude comparison. That being said, I still think both films should go to hell and stay there, because they have no place assaulting us here. I wasn't sure of exactly how awful this film would be, but the new trailer confirms it. Gary Oldman is fantastic, but he also picks some of the absolute worst films out there to act in. If anybody without serious mental health problems sees this film, it will be for him and nothing else. Not that I'm encouraging it, because I'm not.

Teaser Trailer: Red Riding Hood

It's like Twilight, but with werewolves. I'm not talking about the laughably mediocre spin-off of Twilight known as New Moon. I'm talking about Catherine Hardwicke's upcoming fantasy-romance starring Amanda Seyfreid, Red Riding Hood. Just take a look at the teaser, and you'll get the exact same vibe I got from Twilight. The only optimistic addition that this one has is Gary Oldman, who manages to work wonders in the most horrendous of films. Just take a look at the teaser and let me know what you think.