Weekend Report: Like Being Eaten By Piranhas!

As a statement for how depressing this summer has been, the best and most logical thing to do with your money is to spend it on Piranha 3D. This movie was never supposed to be good, but somehow it has gotten good reviews for two reasons. One, because at this point in the summer, all people want is a fun time at the movies, and apparently blood, gore, and boobs are suddenly considered fun. Weird, right? The second reason is that there isn't much of a sensible alternative this weekend. Lets go down the list of this weekend's releases, and nail them to the ground.

First, foremost, and most depressingly is Vampires Suck, a film that I would absolutely love to see if there weren't a 100% likelihood that it wouldn't make me want to kill myself, which there is. I've seen reviews on YouTube by regular fans who are urging people not to spend money on this movie. The saddest thing is that people will, and even sadder is that this film's opening weekend gross will be higher than that of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. In the sidebar I have a quote from last weekend's release, and you're better off just spending 90 minutes repeatedly reading that. Trust me. You will enjoy yourself so much more.

Then there's The Lottery Ticket, a film from Ice Cube. It's depressing that most movies with an entire cast and crew of black people can't be more like Precious and less like Death at a Funeral (2010). That's really all I have to say about that movie, because it just doesn't look worth your time or money. Moving on, we have The Switch, another predictable and painful romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. I've gotten used to the fact that this is the only type of movie they do make anymore, and have removed them from my list of actors to watch for.

Finally, closing out the list of depressing films crammed into this sorry excuse for a weekend, Nanny McPhee Returns. Anyway, we know right now that good or bad, this movie is made for children, so they most likely won't care. The reviews for this film have been somewhat positive, but unless 90% of critics say this film must be seen, I'd just recommend that you skip this film.

My Opinion: Don't go see Vampires Suck, The Lottery Ticket, or The Switch at all this weekend. If you're under the age of 13, feel free to see Nanny McPhee Returns. Otherwise, the best bet this weekend is to go out and see Piranha 3D. Or you can go home and celebrate the one year anniversary of Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds.