Film Review: "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides"

There are moments like these when you're sure that things couldn't possibly get worse, yet you know they will. Such were the thoughts that ran through my head as the credits rolled for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I thought it would take hours before it sank in how truly horrible the film I just saw was, and it arrived in mere minutes. I felt like this could be the inglorious end to the franchise, and then I remembered how brilliantly the film will do at the box office this weekend. It doesn't matter if negative word of mouth arrives in time. People will still see it for themselves.

I went to see the film on a whim, leaving my home for the theater ten minutes before the film started. I didn't arrive until about 15-20 minutes into the film, just as Jack was running amok into a London street corner. Honestly, I don't believed that I missed anything of value in the time that I missed. Captain Jack Sparrow is acting absolutely crazy for no apparent reason. Seems to fit just about right, doesn't it? In any case, it didn't take long for me to pick up on the fact that somebody has been impersonating Jack in order to put together a crew to sail towards the fountain of youth. It turns out the impersonator is Angelica, a former flame of Jack's. I know that most of these characters are drunken pirates, but how could any of them think for a second that Penelope Cruz is a man?

Remember how in the first three films Jack would be the center of the universe and that everyone would be following him? That couldn't be further from the truth this time. He is the main character, but every single moment it feels like he shouldn't be. He's being thrust into this adventure unwillingly, and he ends up a regular crew member on the Queen Anne's Revenge, infamous ship of the infamous Blackbeard. They're headed for the fountain of youth, as is Captain Barbossa, now a privateer for the high court of England. And, apparently, so is a Spanish fleet. It feels like too many people are going after the same thing for no reason.

For Your Anticipation: What Be That, First Mate?

Somewhere between my immature initial viewing of At Worlds End and now, I became fatigued of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. At this point, I could not care less about Johnny Depp's usual Johnny Depp-isms. The "stunning visuals" we expect of Rob Marshall has pretty much worn off, as has Rob Marshall's fanbase after Chicago. He is the one hit wonder of the past decade. Adding Penelope Cruz and Ian McShane to the cast is only damage control as the producers attempt to bring excited fans back after the train wreck of the past two films.

Cannes playing host to Von Trier, Malick, Marshall

The unveiling of this year's Cannes Film Festival line up wasn't exactly filled with shocks and surprises so much as pleasantries and intrigues. Terrence Malick's The Tree of Life is obviously making an appearance, as if we needed any further confirmation on that one. As predicted, but not confirmed, Lars Von Trier's latest film, Melancholia, will also be making an appearance in the competition. Pedro Almadovar's The Skin That I Inhabit is also to have it's premiere, along with several other wild cards. Restless is playing Un Certain Regard, as noted yesterday, amongst several other films we're sure to hear first words about this time next month. The only real surprise of sorts is Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides playing at the festival. I guess there's always one blockbuster in this heap.

OPENING FILM
"Midnight in Paris," Woody Allen

COMPETITION
"Drive," Nicolas Winding Refn
"Footnote," Josef Cedar
"Hanezu no Tsuki," Naomi Kawase
"Hara-kiri: Death of a Samurai," Takashi Miike

Theatrical Trailer: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

I know that the outlook of this Summer in terms of high quality entertainment is rather slim, but I always found that the season was meant for passable action entertainment. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides was only ever going to be that sort of feature, as you can tell quite clearly from this trailer. None of the jokes quite hit the right mark, and it's clear writing isn't this latest film's strong suit. Check out the trailer below and feel free to chime in in the comments section!